College has not been what I expected it to be, at all. Sometimes I think this is a good thing, but I also have many moments when the only wish on my heart is to be home in a cocoon on my couch, protected by familiarity. I think I have a rare understanding of this stage in my life, though. I know that the first semester of college is the one meant for transition, it’s the one meant for learning lessons, and it’s the one meant for mess ups. I know that the stresses I feel will pass with time and constant exposure to the culture, just as it did in high school. But did I think college would trigger a monster of anxiety from within? Did I think I would have sleepless nights because I’m too scared of failing a test I have in 3 days to sleep? Did I think I would wake up in the mornings with a pit in my stomach as I ponder about what the day may hold? The answer is exactly what you would expect it to be: absolutely not.
But here’s the issue: I spent the first month of my college career focused on myself. No, I do not mean I spent the first month focusing on making sure I was taking care of my health mentally, physically, and emotionally. I tried to survive off of being self sufficient, but I soon learned what God has been trying to tell me for my entire life. This lesson is one God has repeatedly brought to my attention, and it is unfortunately one I have repeatedly rejected. I am not capable of being self sufficient. No one is.
I was doing very well in all of my classes, and I was content with the progress I was making as a new, grown-up college student. Then I took a test in one of my pre-requisites and found myself with a 73% staring back at me. For many, this grade is not so bad. I passed right? That’s all that mattered. However, the standard I hold myself to allowed this grade to tear me down; it ripped me to shreds. I went home the weekend after taking this test, but I couldn’t even enjoy myself because I came down with not one, but two, viral infections. On top of beating myself up over a grade, I was beating myself up over not being able to take care of myself and therefore not being able to spend valuable time with my family. When I returned to school, I was a mess.
The progression of my anxiety was slow but steady. My heart raced as I went about my day, and a pit was firmly set in my stomach. I was afraid of everything, but what I feared most was failure. I let my mind flood with “what if?” questions: what if I fail my next test? What if I fail my next paper? What if I fail all of my tests? What if I fail the class? What if I fail out of college? What if I fail?
During this time of mental bombardment, I was on the phone with my parents basically five times a day seeking comfort. I was texting anyone and everyone I could asking how to deal with college stresses and how to overcome anxiety. I was stuck in this cycle of trying to be self sufficient. I wanted the answers, and I wanted them immediately. I sought answers from flesh; I sought answers from all the wrong places.
I thank God everyday for my dad. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have been brought back to God. I would not have begun to seek God as fervently as I did. I certainly didn’t do it immediately. There were many conversations we had where I would agree that I need God and that I can’t get through this problem alone, but then when I hung up, I would go back to my desk to do work and let the fears flood back into my mind.
I don’t exactly know when I broke. I guess the multiple sleepless nights and God’s constant reminders that He was there with me are what turned me around. I learned different tactics, like taking time for self care and mental health breaks. But then I began to turn to God. God placed two amazing girls in my life, Claire and Victoria, at just the right time. You see, I met these two girls at Cru, a Christian organization here at Syracuse, and I knew they lived on my floor, but I never pursued a friendship with them. One weekend, when they were going on a retreat with Cru (I opted out because I was recovering from sickness) I bumped into them, and Victoria asked if I could watch her fish while she was gone for the weekend. Kindly, I agreed to her request, and this began a friendship that God knew I needed at the time I needed it most. I eventually came around to telling them about the anxieties and troubles I was facing, and somehow we came around to doing a devotional together every night. I have never done something like this before; it’s so easy to find an excuse to not dedicate time to God’s word. My desperation for healing, however, drew me so strongly to the pursuit of God. It was, frankly, the only thing that got me through those days. I began to get more involved in Cru, allowing myself to completely immerse myself in God’s presence and to enjoy the company of other Christian friends. Little by little, God began to answer my prayers and requests for Him to reveal new ways for me to deal with my ailment.
God placed a scripture in my life as an answer: Matthew 6:33-34. I cannot tell you how many times this scripture turned up in just the two weeks that I began dealing with my anxiety. ONLY TWO WEEKS! And God was ALREADY working intensely in my life. Everywhere I turned, the lesson of cultivating life from an eternal perspective was being taught to me. It is a reminder that my life does not depend on my grades; my worth is given by God, it is grounded in God, and no worldly thing can remove that worth. It reminds me, also, that there is more to this life than school; I must invest in my friendships, in allowing myself to have fun, and in my pursuit of God. I struggle with this greatly still. Sometimes it’s hard to have fun. I can get the work done, but when I get it done, I think about what’s coming up on the syllabus. Since I have free time, shouldn’t I be working to complete the next assignment? Shouldn’t I be studying for the next test?
About 20 minutes ago, I finished watching a sermon taught by my home pastor, Pastor Terry A. Smith at The Life Christian Church. I began to watch it because I was anxious over the fact that I had so much free time tonight; I was telling myself I could take advantage of the time and start studying for a test I have in 11 days. I was also battling with an internal tip that was telling me that I should follow what a leader at Cru had suggested to me: since I used to use Sunday as my Sabbath at home and would spend the day relaxing in the presence of God, maybe I should start doing it here, too. Therefore, I decided to spend my free time in the presence and comfort of the Lord. The sermon was titled “Revolutionary Hospitality: Enjoy Life – You are Invited to the Feast of Life.” In this lesson, Pastor Terry gives three main points to follow: enjoy the good and beautiful things of the world, know that all of life can be animated by the new wine, and when we are filled by the Spirit of God, His spirit animates all of life. How crazy is that? As I’m sitting and stressing about having time to enjoy myself, God puts this lesson in my life to tell me it’s okay to enjoy myself. He WANTS me to enjoy my time. He WANTS me to enjoy this life. Pastor Terry taught that Jesus is the new wine, and we should spend time getting drunk off of His presence. And you know what? I want to.
I want to feel perfect peace when I wake up or as I walk into a hard test. I want to be comforted if I receive a bad grade in a class. God makes us resilient, and that resilience is what I need most right now. So I’m going to spend my time trying to get drunk. The more I seek God, the more I feel comfort. The more I seek God, the more success I find. It’s so easy to get caught up wondering “what about me? What can I do? What am I capable of?” but the truth is that we are capable of anything, as long as we trust that have God on our side. Our faith and trust in Him is crucial. I end every night telling God that I need Him, and it serves as a reminder that I can’t do this alone. Sure, I need the presence of good friends in my life, but I need the presence of God more. And I’m okay with admitting that.
So this is my statement of faith. I trust God. I trust God’s plan. I trust that God will bring me to where I need to be, one way or another. I trust that God placed me at Syracuse University for a reason. I trust that God gave me the heart of a fighter. I trust that when I feel like I can no longer fight, God will give me the strength to do so. I trust that God gives me things that I can’t handle on my own, but that I will make it through with His aid. I trust that because God loves me, He will grant me rest (Psalm 127:2). I trust that God will give me the time and the tools I need to get my work done and to succeed. I trust that He will take care of me. I trust that when I’m drunk off of His spirit, I will lead the life He intended me to live. Here it goes: I’m trying to get drunk.